You're completely useless in the revolution.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag