and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
