i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
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