at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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