god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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