ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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