My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Randomize
