Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
