So drunk its hurt
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
