I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
