made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
