Screwed.edu
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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