No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
