oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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