Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
