Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
