if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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