Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
