So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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