my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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