Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
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