I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
