so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
