I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
