Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I party with great urgency now.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
