Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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