if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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