just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
