She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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