So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
