I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
