I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
