this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
