I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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