her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
