thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
