Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
