My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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