not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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