I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
