I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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