i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
