Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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