why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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