I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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