3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just gargled with NyQuil
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
