SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
