Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
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I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
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You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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