I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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