The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
