yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
