guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
