The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
