I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
