2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
