well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
